


Aliens...er...AWESOME Made Them Do It

by havent_got_a_clue



Category: Harold and Kumar Movies, Torchwood
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Crack, Crossover, Dirty Thoughts, F/F, F/M, Femslash, First Kiss, First Time, Het, Humor, M/M, Multi, Slash, Threesome - F/F/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-10
Updated: 2010-11-10
Packaged: 2017-10-13 03:57:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havent_got_a_clue/pseuds/havent_got_a_clue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PC Andy plays good Samaritan and picks up a wanderer on the side of the road after he almost careens into him. This being Cardiff and home of Torchwood, it, of course, gets him into big trouble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Stranger on the Side of the Road

**Author's Note:**

> The Neil Patrick Harris of this story is the version from Harold and Kumar.
> 
> This is a crack!fic, pure and simple. I love Tosh and Rhys, but this story really plays up some of the stereotypical traits of our favorite team, so I am a bit mean to her.
> 
>  
> 
> Listen, my Welsh, let me show you it sucking. If you can correct it, be my guest. I took Latin.

PC Andy Davidson was tired after a long twelve hour shift. Night had fallen hours ago and he was attempting to drive through the thick Welsh fog that had fallen with it. The long road home was deserted and lined with long blades of grass that obscured the view even more.

Which is why he didn't see the man until he had almost run him over.

"FUCK," PC Andy yelled as he swerved, narrowly missing the black-clad stranger hidden among the blades.

PC Andy slammed on his brakes and lurched the car around, his training as a policeman always keeping him on guard and ready to help, even though he was not 2 km from home and ready to relax with a pint and some football on the television.

He opened his car door and peaked out. "Oi! You OK?"

The man in black approached PC Andy's car with a maddening abandon. Any sane man would not throw caution to the wind concerning a man who had nearly killed him.

The man's eyes were wild--pupils dilated and staring intently at PC Andy like he was dinner and the man was hungry. Very hungry.

"Can I help you?" The stunning reversal of roles, PC Andy a little frightened and the stranger unafraid, led Andy's thoughts to old American urban legends of hitchhikers and pickaxes.

The man didn't say a word, but opened up the passenger door and slid right in as if he belonged.

"Thanks, man, for picking me up. I was freezing my ass off back there. What is it with you people and your fucking weather, man? Haven't you ever heard of warm? Like, ever? I mean, DAMN, it's cold. I need to warm up. You got any coffee? Or better yet, you know where I can score some ass? I am so hopped up on some good X. Shit, that's one thing you people got right. Do you know where the FUCK we are, because the last thing I remember is that asshole Jared daring me to drink some of that Guinness shit you people love so much and then I found myself here."

He was American. That was it. He had an axe and he was going to kill him.

PC Andy had not failed to notice that as the man spoke, he had been sliding closer to him. He was now examining PC Andy's shoulder with great interest and in detail.

With his tongue.

He was licking PC Andy's shoulder.

 _Cach, rwyt ti'n esgys fach pathetic am dyn._ PC Andy cursed to himself as he pushed the man off his shoulder and back into his own seat.

"Where are you going? Can I give you a lift somewhere? Back into Cardiff? A hotel? Perhaps a hospital?" He prayed that the man would get distracted if he just kept him talking.

"Yeah, where can I get LAID, man? Don't you Scots know how to have a good time? Jesus, the shit I have to go through to get some ASS here." The man was now rocking back and forth as if it was uncomfortable to sit for too long. As much ecstacy as this man claimed to be on, PC Andy could only imagine the raging hard-on he was nursing.

"I'm not Scottish, mate. I'm Welsh."

"Well isn't that your problem being so far away from home!" The rocking continued and he now looked as if he was about to molest the window to his side.

"Mate, you're IN Wales. Outside Cardiff." This was getting better and better. He should just turn the car around right now and haul this guy off to cool down for a night or so back at the police station.

"Wales? Wales? Wow." He looked perplexed, to say the least.

"Listen," started PC Andy, who still hadn't made a move to drive the car anywhere, "at least tell me your name."

The man thought about it for a moment, his eyes rolling around his head, surely mimicking the effort his brain was going through. "Neil. Neil Patrick Harris." His head lolled back to PC Andy's shoulder. This time he rubbed his cheek rather sexually against him. "Now, let's go somewhere loud and naked...uh...what was your name again?"

PC Andy sighed. "PC Andy Davidson."

"PC? What does that stand for? Perpetually cold? Is it a Welsh thing? Possibly--Pretentiously--Port-  
-P-p-p-PURPLE COCK! That's it! Do you have one, PC Andy?" Neil Patrick's eyes were darting downward to the dimly lit area where PC Andy's pants were.

"Actually," PC Andy cupped Neil Patrick's jaw gently to direct his line of vision back upwards, "I am a Constable."

Neil Patrick's eyes did the rolling thing again, the wheels turning in his head.

PC Andy sighed. "Police. Copper. I believe you would call it 'The 5-0.'"

The "oh shit" look broke through the haze of chemicals.

 

That shut him up for once, now didn't it? PC Andy released Neil Patrick's face and let him sit back in his own seat.

Neil Patrick tried to calm himself down by pressing his face up against the cool window. He swallowed hard and tried to force the naughty thoughts about the man who could very well throw him in the slammer for tripping balls in a foreign country.

"Listen, mate, I am not going to turn you in or anything. Unless you get violent or don't stop talking about...well, if you don't stop talking. Let's get you somewhere you can sleep this off. You have a hotel, eh?" PC Andy really did not want any paperwork and he didn't want to admit he had picked up a wanderer on the side of the road.

Neil Patrick looked at PC Andy as if to silently ask for permission to speak. His eyes lolled about lazily. "Yeah, I have a hotel. In Glasgow. I don't think you want to drive me across six countries--"

"Three."

"--THREE countries in the dead of night."

The haze was beginning to return. PC Andy tried to focus him. On something other than PC Andy's nether regions. At which Neil Patrick was lustily staring. Again.

"Just how DID you end up outside Cardiff by yourself?"

Neil Patrick rubbed his temples and tried to remember just how he got from Glasgow to Cardiff.

"Well...I was on this press tour and we were partying at some club and there was this hot piece of ass with--" he paused to make a lewd gesture with his hands. "--breasts that made me wish I was a baby again and a--" he caught PC Andy glaring at him again. "--I mean, an attractive young woman with loose morals approached me in the club and asked me if I wanted to try something new and I was all, 'fuck yeah,' because I was already riding pretty high--"

PC Andy was shooting him the "Do you really want to reveal this much to a policeman?" look.

"--from the the press tour and I had never ever even thought about doing any kind of mind-altering substance before tonight ever because I am an upstanding member of society and drugs are bad. So, anyway, she offered me this new type of Ecstasy I had never seen before, because I have never even seen Ecstasy before, much less taken two hits of it before I got there, and I was like, 'no way, lady. I don't do that stuff. I am clean and proud of it,' and she demanded I take some. She started touching me and rubbing up on me and it was too much for this innocent virgin--"

"So," interrupted PC Andy. "You were lonely, called a prostitute, she came to your room, got you high, and you don't remember anything else until you came to on the side of the road. Did you bother to check for your wallet?"

PC Andy paused and listened for the expected rustle of fabric and the even more expected, "FUCK!"

When will these people ever learn?

He sighed heavily. "Look, mate, it's late and I am tired. You can come back to my flat with me and ring up whoever you need to. But if you try anything on me--ANYTHING--I will tie you up to a ch--never mind, I will just push you out the door and back on the street."

Neil Patrick closed his eyes, trying to remember anything else about the night. "Oh! I remember something! The X! It wasn't a pill or anything. It was green and kind of glowed a bit. Oh, God. Am I that high? No. I definitely remember that. I had never heard of getting high that way."

"Green? Glowy? You sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Fantastic." He braked the car and pulled out his mobile. He dialed the only person who might make some sense out of this madness.

"Hello, this Gwen? PC Andy here. I think I have something for you."

 

TBC


	2. Torchwood to the Rescue?

Gwen Cooper ended the call and looked over at the rest of the Torchwood team, all assembled for the most important staff meeting of the new year: trying out a new Chinese takeaway.

"What was that about, Gwen?" Owen had a bit of kung pao sauce on his chin, which made Gwen's reveal seem even harder to do with a straight face.

"It's PC Andy. Seems he picked up an American on the side of the road who wants to shag anything with a pulse," she punctuated the statement with a quick look toward Jack, "and claims to have been the victim of some kind of glowy green stuff from a prostitute."

Yes, that sounded as ridiculous as when PC Andy said it.

"Why would PC Andy pick up some bloke on the side of the road," Owen snickered.

"Ever consider that people have perfectly innocent reasons for doing things? He is a police officer and might have actually wanted to help instead of shag them ridiculous, Owen," said Ianto between bites of Orange Peel Chicken.

"OK, well, kids, let's pack this up and go see PC Andy's mysterious new American boyfriend--WHAT?" Gwen lumped Jack as he grabbed his coat from Ianto's outstretched hand.

 

A half hour later, the SUV pulled up to PC Andy's flat. Gwen had been there once in the distant past in a drunken stupor, when she told Rhys she was working a match but really just wanted to give PC Andy her special, patented "New Work Mate" welcome. She didn't remember the number, and, in fact, had never even been up there; PC Andy being the fine, upstanding bloke he was, steadfastly refused her offer.

She looked at the list of people living there and found it near the bottom. "Here it is! PC Andy Davidson!" She buzzed up to the flat and he answered a bit breathlessly.

"Izzat Gwen?" There were tinny bumps and knocks in the background.

"PC Andy, we're here. Let us up?"

"Gladly!" The door unlocked and the Torchwood team walked in time up the narrow staircase to PC Andy's door.

PC Andy was all too happy to hear the Gwen's voice through the speaker. Neil Patrick had him up against his door, gently forcing his head back to expose a pale expanse of neck and sucking on it.

And PC Andy could not say for sure that it was a bad thing.

The knock on the door did not distract Neil Patrick and PC Andy had to maneuver Neil Patrick around to answer the door.

The tangling of limbs and the half frustration/half ecstatic look on PC Andy's face greeted Gwen as PC Andy threw open the door. "Gwen! Hello! Cuppa tea?"

"I'll never say no to a cuppa tea, but let's fix this little problem here--"

"Oh, I think PC Andy can confirm that this is not a 'little' problem. Right?" He punctuated the last word by thrusting his hips against PC Andy, making him involuntarily let his head go lax against the wall behind him and crossing his eyes ever so slightly.

Jack eyed PC Andy's reaction with the slightest twinge of jealousy. If anyone in the room was giving or receiving pleasure, Jack wanted to be on either end of it.

Owen, who had been staring with his mouth open wide when Neil Patrick made a noise that, frankly, made him just a little hard, suddenly sprang into action and went for his medical kit. He pulled out a swab and went over to where Neil Patrick Harris was now licking PC Andy's earlobe and Jack and Gwen were trying to gently pull them apart. Owen grabbed Neil Patrick's jaw and pulled it towards him, swabbing the inside of his mouth and handing the stick to Tosh waiting nearby.

She quickly analyzed the toxin in Neil Patrick's body and determined it to be a highly potent strain of Allizemmefal, an alien aphrodisiac. Jack looked relieved. "I have dealt with this before."

"Of course you have," interrupted a sarcastic Owen.

"The cure," Jack said pointedly, ignoring Owen, "is too simply have sex until it leaves your system. Not doing so will kill him. And soon."

Neil Patrick looked away from PC Andy for the first time since Torchwood walked into the flat.

"Who the fuck are these people, PC Andy?" His eyes passed over Gwen and Tosh, lingering briefly on Ianto, Owen, and Jack before burying his face in PC Andy's chest where he had just unbuttoned a few of the top buttons without even looking. "Make them just go. Away. C'mon, let's fuck. Shit. They can stay if they want. The big one over there looks like he'd get off watching it."

At least that is what PC Andy could make out while Neil Patrick's mouth was working its way down to a nipple. There might have been more, but the tongue running over his flesh jolted any coherent, cognitive thinking right out of his head. Instinctively, or stupidly, he ran his fingers through Neil Patrick's hair and grabbed large handfuls as he breathed a completely reflexive, "oooooooooh."

"Bloody Hell, Gwen! What do I do here?" It wasn't as angry or as frustrated as it should have been.

It was Jack who answered. "You do nothing. I am taking over this operation. You may not be a civilian, but there is no need to put you through this. If I could borrow your bedroom for awhile, I will take care of this man...what was his name?"

"Neil," said PC Andy, half-heartedly trying to prevent Neil Patrick from going any more south. "Neil Patrick Harris."

Owen, who hadn't gotten a good look at Neil Patrick's face when he swabbed his mouth, gasped loudly. "Doogie Howser? MD? You are fucking kidding me, right?"

Ianto suddenly came to a realization. "You became a doctor because of Doogie Howser, didn't you?"

Owen may have blushed a bit.

Jack didn't care who the guy was, just that he needed a good shagging and he needed it before he devoured PC Andy or died trying.

He walked over to Neil Patrick and tried to pry him off gently. Neil Patrick growled at Jack. "MINE!!" Jack backed off slightly.

"Whoa! Captain Jack Harkness. Neil Patrick, do you understand that if you don't have sex soon you will die? That Allizemmefal in your system is fatal to most lifeforms even in small doses and having orgasms breaks down the enzymes. Now, come on. Let's spend a few very pleasurable hours alone together and let me save your life the best way possible."

Neil Patrick eyed Jack curiously. Before he could answer, Owen piped up. "Oi, Captain, you may be invincible, but even you have your limits. I request permission to get a few shags in as well."

Gwen delivered her second lump of the night. "Boys! This is a human being here!"

"I also request, Jack-"

"TOSHIKO SATO!" Gwen made a face at Tosh and then looked to Ianto. "I suppose you as well?"

Ianto opened his mouth to answer, but Neil Patrick stopped trying to open PC Andy's trousers long enough to cut him off.

"This one. PC Andy. Need him...." He turned back around to slide one hand into PC Andy's trousers and hold PC Andy's wrists above his head with the other.

PC Andy gasped at the boldness of this drugged-up American he met not even two hours before. It really should be Gwen who is in my position, he thought. She is more accustomed to this kind of nonsense.

Jack folded his hands and rested his chin on his index fingers, deep in thought. "Of course, PC Andy is the first person you made contact with after you were dosed. You won't even give us a second look right now."

PC Andy was making contact alright. He was barely listening anymore, not even caring that his ex-partner and the mysterious Torchwood were in his living room. Neil Patrick kissed PC Andy long and hard and rough and PC Andy finally gave in completely and kissed him back with just as much force.

He broke the kiss briefly to look over to Jack and say, with complete honesty, that "I actually don't mind...right now...later? Chafing? Maybe...but, eh...ummm...sod it all, Neil Patrick, into my bedroom..." PC Andy began pushing Neil Patrick in the direction of the bedroom while the entire Torchwood team stared in shock and maybe a little jealousy. "...you lot, I may need back up later...should I call or--"

"We'll be here if you need us, PC Andy! Go! Save this man's life!"

Neil Patrick was already in the bedroom and PC Andy was about to disappear when he called back to them. "I will! It's my duty! For Queen and Country!"

And with that, the door slammed behind them.


	3. In Which PC Andy Shows Torchwood a Thing or Two

Fully four-fifths of Torchwood Three stood in shock, staring at the door and wondering what to do next.

The remaining one-fifth was not accustomed to being on this side of the door and was shocked for a different reason.

Hard knocks and soft moans came from the bedroom and only Tosh had the good grace to look the slightest bit embarrassed as she tried not to stare at Owen, thinking of him making those same noises.

Gwen's eyes went impossibly wide, almost to the point of popping out of her skull, but she remained silent as her eyes wandered from Jack to Owen to the door back to Jack back to Owen back to the door, but definitely not to her mobile, which Rhys had been ringing for a full minute at that point.

Owen looked at Ianto and then at Gwen. And then down to the vicinity of his own trousers, feeling Tosh's eyes boring holes into him and avoiding them at all cost.

Ianto watched Jack with an intensity reserved only for Ianto, but soon found the strength to walk into PC Andy's kitchen and look for some way to make coffee to get them through what was shaping up to be a very long night.

Jack watched him go, eyes sliding downward as he left before they made the rounds around the room.

The noises got louder and the awkward silence in the main room just got more awkward. Ianto returned with some tea and it did not escape his attention that both Owen and Jack's fingers had lingered a little longer on his as he handed them their cups than Gwen's or Tosh's.

 

American-twinged obscenities were floating from the bedroom, as well as the unmistakable bangs of headboard against wall. Gwen closed her eyes and imagined what it would be like to see PC Andy naked.

There were only 4 constables with whom she had not shared some sort of naked adventure and the other three had unfortunately come along after she left for Torchwood. And fucking around with people with whom she did not work (currently or in the past) was just immoral and out of the question, thank you very much!

But still she wondered if PC Andy was on top or bottom or if they were facing each other or if one was behind the other or if the American was wearing a cowboy hat and riding PC Andy like a bull...she wondered these things as she finally shut off her ringer after Rhys rang for the 7th time.

Jack wanted to burst down the door and take both of them. Or have them both take him. While he worked on Gwen. Who worked on Owen. Who worked on Ianto. Who would be writhing in ecstasy for Jack's full enjoyment.

Was he forgetting someone in that scenario?

Nah.

 

Owen stared at Gwen while she was lost in her own erotic thoughts of what PC Andy looked like riding out an orgasm. He knew she was thinking something dirty because she always got that look when she wanted a quick shag in the holding cells, the SUV, the autopsy bay storage, Jack's desk, the invisible lift, in her flat when Rhys was gone, in the loo when Rhys was home and Owen was hiding out because he hadn't gotten away fast enough, that one time against Suzie's body's storage....

Gwen felt eyes on her and shared a quick and dirty look with Owen.

Ianto met Jack's gaze and smiled the wickedest of smiles.

The end of round one was near, judging from the harder, faster, and rougher noises coming from the bedroom.

 

Jack moved for the door to help in absolutely any way he could, but Ianto held him back with a not-so-gentle tug on the forearm. Jack stared at the long, slender fingers wrapped around him for a good ten seconds, mouth open and almost panting. Ianto followed Jack's gaze and tried to lift his hand off, but Jack was not having it. He grabbed Ianto's hand with his free hand and pulled him closer to him as he backed up against PC Andy's door, guiding Ianto's face towards his own. The others stared at Jack and Ianto as they frantically kissed.

Gwen and Tosh giggled a bit and Owen stood with his mouth wide open, not knowing whether to feel jealous or ask to join in.

His decision was made for him when Gwen attacked him violently, crushing his mouth with hers and grabbing at fistfuls of hair. Owen thought it amazing what Gwen could do with her hands, simultaneously grabbing his hair, scratching at his neck, running her hands down his back and cupping his trousers, squeezing gently.

Wait...one, two, three...four? Four hands? He looked over to see Ianto and Jack half-naked and against the wall. And, unless something had changed recently, Gwen had two hands...he was vaguely aware of a warm body behind him...Ianto, Jack, Gwen...Gwen...were there two Gwens? No. He counted again. Ianto, Jack, Gwen...he reached behind him to feel around the mysterious body behind him. He felt silky black hair and heard a high-pitched moan. OOOOOOOHHHHHH. Tosh. Tosh was behind him. She was unbuttoning his trousers and reaching inside. It was a nice feeling, being the meat in a Torchwood sandwich. He focused what little brain power he had left on getting Gwen's shirt unbuttoned and exposing her bra.

Something was not right, though. He had had Gwen every which way possible. Why did this not feel right? Tosh. Right. Tosh. Was there a reason he wouldn't want to have sex with her? Tosh. Sex. Tosh. No, nothing was...wait...Tosh...sex...something about having sex with Tosh was not good. What was it?

Owen's brain couldn't focus with two sets of hands roaming and two pairs of lips kissing him.

He leaned back into Tosh and turned his head to kiss her. Gwen took the opportunity to suck on his neck, right at that spot he liked. Random thoughts of vampires came to his mind. Vampires. Blood. Bite. Artery. Death. DEATH?!! RIGHT! Sleeping with Tosh meant certain death every time!

Owen pushed the women away from him and wiped his mouth. He hadn't slept with her, but surely kissing her meant a bad head cold, at least. Suddenly, the haze lifted.

Jack looked up from watching Ianto go down on him and saw the panic rising in Owen.

"Owen?" Maybe Jack wanted to join him and Ianto. The more the merrier, right?

"Bloody fucking shit damn hell! What the hell are we doing? I mean, honestly, I was about to sleep with Tosh?!!"

Tosh turned a deep shade of crimson and Gwen shot an evil look at Owen as she put her arm around Tosh to comfort her...kiss her...fondle h--

"Ok, ok, no more of that nonsense, ladies!" Owen broke the two apart.

Jack was trying to listen, but Ianto had not stopped giving head to Jack yet. Owen walked over to Ianto and pulled him off, the popping noise made even more obscene as Jack groaned.

"I know we did not lose this much control just listening to PC Andy have sex. So, what are we doing?"

The rest of the team froze. Owen had a point. They also noticed that no more sex noises were coming from PC Andy's room. Jack buttoned up and knocked on the door.

"PC Andy? You OK in there?"

When there was no answer, Jack kicked the door down to find PC Andy snoring on the bed, naked. Alone.

Resisting the urge to wake him up only to have sex with him, Jack shook him gently.

PC Andy opened his eyes. "Wha--?"

"PC Andy," said Jack gently. "Where did Neil Patrick Harris go?"

"Oi, he's gone, i'n' he? Just walked out after we were done." PC Andy yawned and stretched with catlike length. Jack went cross-eyed for a moment.

 _Focus, Jack._ He called out to his team. "Did any of you see Neil Patrick leave?"

They all gave him blank stares.

"So. We are called in, he distracts us, and he leaves. Anyone else think it's a trap? Show of hands."

It was pretty much unanimous.

"OK, we found traces of Allizemmefal. Tosh, anything else in that sample?"

Tosh picked up the swab and ran the scan again. She looked up at Jack, confused. "No, Jack."

"OK, so the Allizemmefal must be controlling him--"

"It's pure toxin and, judging from the way we are acting and the way PC Andy gave in, I'd say it's airborne. He dosed us with this stuff to distract us, to make us want each other so we'd ignore him as he escaped."

"Allizemmefal only heightens what you are already feeling. It's like hypnotism. You can't force someone into being with someone they don't want. But I've never heard of Allizemmefal this strong." Jack pursed his lips.

"Which means he's alien," said Gwen.

"Which means he could want something with the Rift," said Ianto.

"Which means he's heading toward the Rift," said Tosh.

"Yeah, which means he's trying to get to Torchwood. We should go," said Jack. "Owen, grab PC Andy. We need to take care of him until the Allizemmefal is out of his--" Jack took a sharp breath as he realized what he just said. "We need to...he is our responsibility. Just grab him--no, not there, Owen--help him up--DAMN IT, OWEN, YOU'RE A DOCTOR. NOT THAT KIND OF UP--help him get in the SUV. He's coming--he's ACCOMPANYING us to Torchwoo--the HUB, damn it." God, did English have to be so dirty?

The Allizemmefal still coursing through the lot of them made for a rather awkward and sticky and hands-on and "Oh, God, Jack. How are you staying on the road while she does that to you?" and "Bet you didn't know I was a gymnast when I was little?" ride back to Cardiff proper and the Hub.

PC Andy was pretty out of it by the time Owen dragged him out of the SUV. He had gotten the biggest dose of Allizemmefal and the effects were getting worse.

"We need to get this out of his system," said Owen. "Hell, Jack. We're all affected. How are we going to deal with Neil Patrick and not want to shag him to death doing it?"

"Owen, we'll deal with that later. Right now we have to just find Neil Patrick."

Jack split the team up and ordered them to different entrances to cover all ground. Jack and Gwen used the lift, while Tosh, Ianto, and Owen, guiding PC Andy, trying not that hard to avoid his roaming hands, used the tourist office entrance.

No one knew who saw Neil Patrick first, but within moments, the entire Torchwood team plus PC Andy was on him, knocking him to the ground. Restraining him. Yeah, kissing him.

"Awww...guys. This is great and all, but I already have what I need from you. I have access to The Rift. I can go somewhere else now. Somewhere safe." They noticed he didn't exactly not punctuate his evil plan by groping Ianto and Tosh, the two closest to his hands.

Jack shook his head. "You can't open The Rift. You don't know what you would be doing if you did."

"I don't really give a crap. And, honestly, I can make it so you don't, either. I can keep you guys fucking until you die if I wanted to. But I really don't want to, so just get up and let me go home, ok? I'll leave your little world and go somewhere I can live in peace and you can go on doing whatever it is you do instead of having fantastic sex with each other all the time. Allizemmefal will only affect you if you want it, anyway. So you can go on and claim it was the drug tomorrow, but you people are the horniest humans I have ever met."

Jack stood up. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Neil Patrick Harris, or who ever you really are. You see, I know how to stop you, thanks to Owen here. I've been thinking about it ever since we left PC Andy's flat. Team, you have to think of something that turns you OFF. Something so unsexy, so mundane, so uninteresting that it reverses the effect of the Allizemmefal. I've only encountered it as an aphrodisiac--and what an amazing one it is, too--but in my experience, the arousal was a WANTED effect. Owen managed to shake it off and come down from it in PC Andy's flat because he thought of something that turned him off and it was stronger than the drug. Come on, everyone, think of something, anything! Sports scores, Weevils, anything that turns you off!"

PC Andy was close to passing out. Jack knew that he wouldn't have long.

Owen closed his eyes and let images of dying a horrible death after shagging Tosh wash over him. Ianto imagined coming in to Torchwood and finding a mess and an empty jar of coffee beans. Tosh thought of coming in find Owen having sex and it not be her. Gwen rang up Rhys on her mobile. Jack? He just left the room and watched what happened from his office. What could he say? There wasn't much that turned him off.

Neil Patrick started to glow. Jack saw it on the CCTV and clicked on the intercom. "That's it. The negative energy is reversing the drug! Keep going."

"Stop talking, Jack." Ianto's words meant business. He knew he could not keep his concentration with Jack talking.

The green glow got brighter and brighter as Gwen talked about dinner plans with Rhys and Owen imagined Tosh as a preying mantis, who killed all her mates after sex.

Suddenly, the green glow shot up into the air, leaving Neil Patrick's body and making him drop in a heap on the ground. Owen ran over to him and started checking for signs of life as Gwen tried to address the green glow.

"How did you get here?"

It was not the glow, but Neil Patrick who spoke. "It came here to escape. Many beings were killing its people to make aphrodisiacs and its planet wasn't safe anymore. It came here, but could not sustain life without a host--" his breathing was labored. "--so it picked someone awesome to inhabit. Someone who got laid a lot and could help it get stronger so it could survive the trip through The Rift and find somewhere safe where it would be free. He meant no harm. He was just trying to survive." Neil Patrick brushed off Owen's ministrations and stood up shakily. "You're killing it. It's dying. Reversing the drug is reversing its lifeforce."

"We can't open The Rift, Neil Patrick. It would destroy the planet." Jack hated this part. He knew it was either the Allizemmefal or Earth.

Neil Patrick sank into Owen's arms. He felt for the creature, but he knew he was too awesome to die. Too hot to die. There was no sex and no money and no Ecstasy in the afterlife. He closed his eyes and thought of what it would be like to be not awsesome. To get rejected by girls and guys and to be sober all the time.

The green glow turned a bright white. Everyone in the room shielded their eyes as it exploded into millions of shimmery particles.

In an instant, they were gone. The Allizemmefal was dead. Jack saw it happening on the CCTV and ran back into the room. He ran over to where Owen and Tosh were checking out Neil Patrick and PC Andy.

Tosh waved her scanner about. "All the airborne toxins are gone, but there are still trace amounts in us and significantly more in Neil Patrick and PC Andy. Will it go away now that it's dead?"

"Unfortunately, no. We either have to get rid of it the old fashioned way, or keep facing our worst turn-offs until we are clean."

Owen, satisfied that neither PC Andy nor Neil Patrick were any worse for the wear, looked up at the rest of Torchwood with a predatory grin on his face. "Let's all have sex."

Ianto groaned.

"But this time it's for a good cause! Gwen? You coming? We have dibs on the sofa." He grabbed Gwen's hand to hurry her up, but stopped and looked at Tosh. Under his breath he muttered, "I can't bloody believe I am doing this. Better not die now after this." He rolled his eyes. "Tosh? Would you like to join us?"

Tosh was at the sofa before Owen finished the sentence.

Neil Patrick stood up. "Listen. I'm...yeah...I'm sorry. Alien possession or not, I was a dick. And not an awesome one like I usually am.

PC Andy looked at Jack and Ianto. "Bloody Torchwood. I'm full of this alien aphrodisiac, it's the middle of the bloody night, I just wanted to go home and watch some football and of course when I try to be helpful to a poor sod on the side of the road, I get involved with an alien! Only in bloody Cardiff with bloody Torchwood around. Now I have to get rid of this stuff somehow and I am so bloody wanting to get shagged that I am having a hard time getting...un...hard, as it were, so thinking of bloody sports scores is not going to do a damned thing for me, thanks to you." He glared at Neil Patrick as if the planet's alien problems were all his fault.

"And I said I was sorry and I was a dick. I'm trying to apologize. Shit." Neil Patrick looked annoyed. "And anyway, you weren't exactly complaining a few hours ago in your bedroom, were you? What else do you want?"

PC Andy cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows.

Neil Patrick didn't need to be asked twice. Or even once. He practically dragged PC Andy by the collar to find someplace suitable.

"So. Retcon?" Ianto raised an eyebrow at Jack.

"Hell, yes! Shame they won't remember this. PC Andy's probably getting the best lays of his life tonight and he won't even remember it tomorrow. Now, we still have to deal with this stuff in our system. We have a potentially dangerous toxin in our bodies that needs to come out. For once, I think the entire team is in agreement on which way we should use to rid ourselves of it. What do you say, Ianto?"

Jack grinned at Ianto. He placed the back of his palm against his forehead and feigned the worst Southern American female-in-distress Ianto had ever heard. "My my, I feel faint! Isn't there some strong man who's willing to help me into my bed?" He fell against Ianto, who rolled his eyes, but nonetheless pulled Jack to his office.

Ianto was not exactly sure when the effects wore off, but he agreed with Jack that they needed to go a few extra rounds that night. Just to be sure.

 

THE END


End file.
